My Struggle with Depression

I have been debating whether or not to tell my story for sometime now.  I did not want to hurt anyone or make anyone feel bad about my story so I have kept pretty quiet about it.  But now it is time to tell my story and the obstacles, thoughts, feelings, etc that I have dealt with and over come in the past.

I have battled depression on and off for sometime now.  I didn't realize I was dealing with depression in junior high and high school I just thought it was part of being the gay closeted kid who was terrified for his life.  I would walk down the hall and be called "faggot" "queer" "homo" and other names.  People would come over to our house to see my brother and sister and make comments about "how gay" I was.  I didn't feel safe in my own home let alone at school.  The one place I did feel safe was when I was dancing or when I was at swim practice.  My swim and dance friends were my tribe and kept me feeling safe.  My family had no idea what I was going through or what I was feeling and that is because I did not tell them.  My mom and dad told me later in life that they felt awful they didn't know and didn't do more to protect me.  I let them know that I wasn't ready to address it or discuss it and there was nothing they could do to change it.

When I was 17 my cousin told me about an audition for a parade in Disneyland.  So I booked a flight and went and auditioned on April 1, 1995.  I was at the audition for 9 hours and was finally around other people like me.  Guys who danced and guys who clearly weren't straight.   This was my first professional performing job and I was so excited to start.  My family saw how important this was to me and they move heaven and earth to make this happen for me.

Being some where I fit in was so important to me that I almost dropped out of high school to make sure I could make rehearsals for Disneyland and the Lion King Celebration I was cast in.  Rehearsals started in mid April and I had not yet finished high school so my mom and I took my rehearsal schedule to the principal and said we would need to excuse me from those days.  The principal said that would be too many absences and I would not be able to graduate.  I told her to give me the form to drop out then!  I hated high school and I needed to get somewhere I fit in, somewhere I could be me!  We all ended up agreeing that if my teachers would let me take my finals early I could graduate, and I did.

After one of the first rehearsals I attended at Disneyland I remember someone asking me if I were gay and without hesitation I said, yes!  It felt so good to be me and to find others like me.

I am just rambling at this point and it all boils down to this....  At times I still battle with my depression and I suffer from seasonal depression and moving to San Fran during one of the rainiest seasons on record was a test!  I was away from my family and my tribe in a dark, cold, and rainy place!

A few things that always lift my spirit and get me out of my depression start are:

My family! I am so fortunate to have such an amazing family and we have been through so much together.  I want to see how amazing my nieces turn out and all the amazing things they accomplish.

My tribe! I am so lucky to have amazing friends and many of them I consider my family.  I have always had a strong tribe at my side and I have a tribe here in the bay area!

Dance!  Dancing is what I am passionate about it and it helps me to work out my emotions and connect with myself and everything that balanced me throughout my life.  Don't get me wrong - dance has also been a source of pain over the years.  The rejection from auditions, the reason I always feel fat, the cause of my eating disorders, etc.  It has taken a lot of time and work to overcome those feelings and at times they are really hard to fight but at least I don't suffer from the eating disorders anymore.

Anyways.  My point is that life is beautiful and I didn't want to miss out on it.  I also have seen how much pain and anger is left behind when someone decides to take their life.

Please realize how amazing you are and how much you contribute to this world.  I know it is it hard to recognize those things at times but trust me it is worth it in the end.  Ask for help and love yourself.

I am here for you and I am just one of the many that are here for you.

Here are a few resources if you are struggling with depression or just need someone to talk to:

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.sfsuicide.org/
https://afsp.org/our-work/education/talk-saves-lives-introduction-suicide-prevention/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpbqrnImV4QIVksDACh3N4Q0_EAAYASAAEgIpzfD_BwE

Please get help some where.

20 years!

I can't believe it!  I graduated from high school 20 years ago.  I am feeling so old right about now!  There was a Class of 1995 page created on FaceBook and it has been a trip down memory lane!  I really hope I am able to make it to the reunion.

It is also been 20 years since I landed my first dancing gig at Disneyland!  I was so nervous to audition for Disneyland being that it was my first and I had no idea what to expect.  It was an incredible experience and I couldn't believe I was offered the job at the end of the 9 hour audition.  I finished high school while starting rehearsals in Disneyland and flying between Arizona and California.  Luckily I had family in California that were a huge support by allowing me to live with them for the summer.  I also meet some amazing people that summer and never felt the need to be in the closet while working at Disneyland.  It was such a refreshing feeling coming from Arizona.

When we are young we don't think about how our decisions will impact our future or how it can set our life on a certain path.  I have never regretted my decisions because I have always tried to make the very best decisions I could at the time and some decisions that didn't seem like the best decision at the time were based on survival!  My life has taken me down an incredible path filled with love, laughs, joy, sadness, heartbreak, and pretty much every emotion imaginable.

I sometimes forget to live life as it could be the last day!  Life is precious and we should cherish every moment of it.  Don't sweet the small stuff and love passionately and forgive those who have wronged you.  Don't forget how they have wronged you so you don't make that mistake twice but holding on to things does more damage to you than to the person who wronged you.

Live, Love, Laugh, Dance!

Paint Your Wagon Reviews..

Paint Your Wagon will be a very memorable show for me.  It is the last show being done at the Downey Civic Light Opera after I have choreographed, assisted the choreographer or danced in the last 8 of the last 10 shows.  I have spent many hours in rehearsals with the talented cast and production team and made some incredible friends while being there.  It will be greatly missed and many and hopefully some will come to regret their decisions.

Now onto the good stuff the reviews.

http://losangeles.broadwayworld.com/article/BWW-Reviews-Marsha-Moode-Brings-Down-the-Curtain-at-Downey-Civic-Light-Opera-with-the-Rarely-Produced-PAINT-YOUR-WAGON-20130604

http://www.stagescenela.com/2013/06/paint-your-wagon/

http://wavenewspapers.com/arts_and_entertainment/stage/article_8b31a830-d22c-11e2-b7a6-001a4bcf6878.html  (Again!  My work is mentioned but I am credited for it!  Every time..)

http://grigware.blogspot.com/2013/05/review-paint-your-wagon.html

Paint Your Wagon!

Paint Your Wagon is under way and it is sadly the last and final show that the incomparable Marsha Moode will be producing and directing. It will also be the end of an incredible 58 year run of the Downey Civic Light Opera.  I have been very fortunate to perform in two shows at the DCLO and choreograph 4 shows at the DCLO and Paint Your Wagon will be the 5th.

I have meet some incredible people in my time at the DCLO and seen some amazing talent come thru auditions and grace our stage.

I hope that you are all able to help us close out the DCLO in a big way and come see the show and help us sell out the house.

Ticket information can be found at www.downeyciviclightopera.org

Crazy For You Review

Recently I had the pleasure to choreograph Crazy for You for the Downey Civic Light Opera.  The show was directed and produced by Marsha Moode and Eddy Clement was the musical director.  The show opened on Friday, September 28th, 2012.

The show received great audition response as well some fantastic reviews.  Links to reviews below..

http://www.stagescenela.com/2012/09/crazy-for-you-2/

http://www.thedowneypatriot.com/article.do?id=17714717

http://wavenewspapers.com/arts_and_entertainment/stage/article_021a7c76-0e4f-11e2-88eb-001a4bcf6878.html

http://buckingtrends.wordpress.com/2012/10

http://losangeles.broadwayworld.com/article/BWW-Reviews-DCLO-Goes-Gershwin-CRAZY-FOR-YOU-201210023

This amazing reviews would not be possible if were extremely talented cast and crew.  We had many familiar faces to the DCLO which are always a pleasure to work with and some new faces I hope to see around the DCLO in the future.

Mishi Schueller as Bobby Child
Andrea Dodson as Polly Baker
Paul Preston as Lank Hawkins
William T. Lewis as Bella Zangler
Charlotte Carpenter as Irene Roth
Laura Rensing as Tess
Deani Lovrien as Patsy
Heather Blades as Lottie Child (Mother)
James Robuck as Moose
Greg Hardash as Sam
Christopher Curry as Wyatt and the Dance Captain
William Crisp as Custis
Heather Aufdemburg as Claire
Hanz Enyeart as Will
Ata Farhadi as Eugene Fodor
Timothy Hearl as Ensemble
Nick Menecola as Everett Baker
Steven Murray as Pete
Roy Okida as Joe
Eric A. Peterson as Jim
Katie Toussaint as Patricia Fodor
Kyle Van Amburgh as Jack
Sheri Vasquez as Irene
Tina Koyuki Whitley as Merle

The Zangler Girls
Angela Asch
Katelyn Blockinger
Lauren Cicerone
Vanessa Dunn
Lyndell Higgins
Aleesha McNeff
Cari Millard
Calista Ruiz

Thank you all for your "Nice Work" and your dedication.  Most of all thank you for sharing your talents with us.

A special thank you to Christopher Curry who as Dance Captain had the task of maintaining the integrity and vision of my choreography.

I hope to see you all at the And the World Goes Round audition in January.

HIV Testing

I have been posting about the importance of getting tested and to know your status for a while now.  I even have a link on my blog and tweeted the link to JustGetTested.com for discounted confidential testing and no one has taken advantage of that link.

So one can only wonder if people are getting tested?  When was your last test?  Do you know your status?

Don't be scared or freaked out by the test just go get tested.  Take a friend, a stranger, a hook up, family, or your CareBear.  Just Get Tested and Know Your Status.

for discounted tests visit www.JustGetTested.com and enter promo code KnowYourStatus

Donations Needed

I have just over a month to raise almost $5000 in order to run in the NYC Marathon.  The money I raise will go to support services provided to over 10,000 people in Los Angeles area living with HIV/AIDS or to prevention education.

I will be paying all my travel related expenses to NYC in November.  I will also be logging hundreds of miles in preparation for the marathon.  Follow my training run on Twitter, Facebook, or RunKeeper.

Please help spread the word of my efforts to your friends and families, check with your employer to see if they do charitable contribution matching.

Thank you in advance for your support. Visit http://apla.convio.net/goto/NathanRWise1